


i'm going to watch you breathe again.

by ziamilo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Bringing this back so i can be proud of dan., Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2019-10-04 19:37:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17310587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziamilo/pseuds/ziamilo
Summary: He can't breathe. Dan can't fucking breathe, there's something rooted in his chest and it hurts.But Phil is there, and he swears Dan's going to be able to breathe again and that he'll be there to see it.God, it was always going to be Phil.(very proud of dan and phil right now. overwhelmingly so.)





	1. Chapter 1

Dan could never fucking breathe. 

It distracted him so much that he had to force himself into the back of his mind-actually the back of everything. Things just moved so fast that he just felt like a backseat rider in his own life. To put it shortly, he was often times out of breath. Trying to force his lungs to move, to work, and function like they should. Sometimes when he felt like ironically laughing, he would imagine himself in one of those iron lungs, quite literally forcing him to breathe. He'd laugh, but he almost longed the consistency of breathing through the machine, of having something to help him put air into his lungs,it's just that everything went too fucking fast for him to do it properly-

and then he had met Phil.

It had been an accident or some extreme force of luck that led him to Phil, but, fuck, if he wasn't grateful for it. 

Phil was patient and kind and-beautiful. God, with his pale skin and ocean eyes he was a fucking masterpiece. He cared about every person he ran into, never turning down anyone who asked for his help. Many would tell him he was an angel, and while he would refute any claims that he was, Dan would say he came pretty damn close to it. He radiated warmth, and he was just so happy. But most importantly he slowed down time.

Which is why Dan never understood what Phil was doing with him. Dan would stay in bed for days on end. It was one of the only two places where he felt the world stop spinning enough for him to catch his breath. The other place was wrapped up in Phil's arms, but Phil always had to be active, always had to be making something new and inspiring. Dan wouldn't ever forgive himself if he robbed Phil's happiness for the day, so he'd say he was fine, and he'd wrap himself tighter in the duvet. Pretending he didn't see those blue eyes get cloudy with concern.

It's just that, Dan couldn't breathe most of the time and it fucking hurt. It hurt more than any physical injury he's ever had, or any heartbreak. It just hurt and he couldn't understand what kind of shit he had gotten into in a past life to deserve this. 

The worst thing being that hours could pass by and he still had no idea how to fix himself. Fix his brain. 

Fix his lungs. 

He'd sob for hours on end, taking in big bursts of air, but it never satisfied his body. His body was so fucking greedy to the point where he would hyperventilate and pass out. Only then waking up to a hand rubbing his back gently and trying to coax him out of bed with whispered words,

"You're more than this. This doesn't define you. You define you. One day you're going to wake up... and you're going to be able to breathe."

But would he ? Everyone moved so fast, friends turned to acquaintances turned to enemies, and every day there was a new crime or scandal in the paper, people got angry and sad at the drop of a hat and Dan? Dan had no idea how to deal with it. He couldn't imagine a world where he would be able to see everything happening around him and be able to inhale and exhale while moving on with his life. 

So he's just fucking stuck. He's stuck sobbing into the sheets and asking for whatever entity ruled the universe to just let him have a day. One day where he was free. 

 

*

At one point he had even tried to break up with Phil. He screamed and cried telling Phil that he was wasting years away-his life away...on Dan. Dan wasn't worth his time or energy, when Phil himself radiated so much life. Dan was just taking it all and greedily sucking it up to sustain something normal within his chest. Dan slowed down and then he stopped after a while as he panted, his chest being so fucking tight and his airway almost swollen shut.

Phil had just sat there listening to him thoughtfully, never once interrupting Dan's hour long rant on why he should leave him. They sat there staring at eachother and Dan had decided he couldn't do this anymore, he had turned to leave to go anywhere, but there, but Phil grabbed his arm lightly, a look of hurt on his face. He'd hurt Phil, of course he had. 

"Daniel. I'm not leaving you. Fuck that. I love you more than anything in this world...god and if you think I'm going to give this up, to give you up? Then you don't know me at all." 

Dan had stared at Phil, at his look of hurt turn slowly into quiet determination, and he began to sob. 

"Phil, it's not that I don't know you, god, I don't even want to give you up, but I'm only going to hurt you, like i just did. It's just that it's so hard everyday, and everything is overwhelming and it feels as if I'm always choking and gasping for air, like there's something rooted in my lungs and it isn't air- and, and it hurts...god Phil it hurts so fucking bad and I try to stop it, but I can't figure out how and I don't know how you do this shit every single time you open your eyes, but I don't think I ....I don't think I want to anymore."

He looked up to see Phil's face a harsh feature, but his eyes having the same softness they always carry. He opened his mouth to speak, and spoke words that Dan would remember for as long as he was able to,

"Daniel...one day I'm going to watch you tear out those flowers from your lungs and I'm going to watch you breathe- and then I'm going to kiss you so fucking hard." 

And with that he pulled Dan into his chest. He listened to Phil's breathing and decided he'd do anything for that. 

 

*

So, he started going to therapy where his therapist didn't claim to understand him like others had; but rather tried to help him find healthier coping mechanisms, soft hands coaxing himself out of bad days; even if it was just getting out of bed to take a shower, letting people in to help him out of his mile a minute mind, letting himself be loved by others, by Phil...and most importantly: himself. And slowly better days started to appear and he'd be able to catch his breath easier. And Phil would stare at him and smile, whispering that he loved him over and over until they fell asleep. 

*

 

Today Dan woke up differently...and he started to cry, harder than he ever had before.

 

Dan woke up, and immediately screamed for Phil. Hurried steps up the stairs and several seconds later, Phil barged in with concern written all over his face.

"Dan? What happened are you okay?" 

 

Dan looked at Phil with freshly red rimmed eyes and a watery smile, 

"Phil...I...I can breathe." 

 

Phil's eyes widened before he raced towards the bed enveloping Dan in hugs and kisses, 

"Fuck ! Dan that's amazing ! Fuck, i love you, i love you, i love you !" 

Dan just enjoyed being there. For once he kissed Phil back with as much enthusiasm and happiness to match Phil's- and when he pulled back he smiled. Phil looked at him with such adoration that it was hard not return the look. God, he was so thankful for this man. He was going to help Dan keep breathing, it was always going to be him. And this time he wouldn't try to let him go. He brushed his lips against Phil's again.

 

He could breathe again.


	2. author note/request ?

i just want go state how proud i am of dan and coming out. my coming out was horrific, and i'm glad he found happiness in his queerness. also super proud of phil for just being unapologetically himself and being lovely to everyone including dan. i just love them both very VERY much. 

i'm feeling really inspired so leave me prompts in my inbox or my comments to write ! short, fluffy, heartbreaking-you name it i'll probably be up at 5 am writing it. 

we're all here, queer, and filled with existential fear.   
yeehaw friends. 

\- clara.

**Author's Note:**

> i really want to make a pastel/punk fic. something super fluffy. idk i just need fluff in my very very not good life.   
> much love friends.


End file.
